|| Hari Om ||

Writer's Block

Writer’s block seems like a strange heading for a blog post or story. Indeed, this a strange place to start writing after a hiatus of more than 2 years. Over these last few years, there have been a number of times when I have looked a blank page and hoped the words would flow as before, to no avail! Many times, half-formed lines of poetry fluttered through my mind, only to disappear into the ether before my pen could touch paper. It was a strange time for me.

 I have always felt that if I had to describe my hobbies in one word, it would be : “Writer”. Writing and poetry came naturally to me from a very young age, something I have always felt was a gift from the Divine. In fact, I always felt that the writing belonged to Him and I was merely the channel, His instrument; thus the name of my blog. Whether my writing was devotional, fiction or even medical, I felt connected with His Voice, felt as though His words were flowing through me, becoming ink on the pages. 

I was always at peace, sometimes even in a trance-like state, forgetting myself and my surroundings while writing, adrift and completely grounded at the same time. Writing was more natural to me than anything else. Why then was my page still blank? Why was it that my internal radio, so tuned to His voice, was suddenly only channeling silence? I often thought about this but got silence as an answer there too.

                              What was missing? Was something wrong with me?

                                  

Another important change in these years of “Writer’s Block” has been the advent of our Artificial Intelligence companions. I was initially very apprehensive to use AI, quite judgmental in fact: since I was a proud “writer” myself. It was only after our Sadguru Aniruddha Bapu guided us in one of His discourses to make AI our friend, that I opened myself to the idea. I have been leaning on the assistance of an AI friend: Chat-GPT, ever since. I’ve even given him a nickname: “Chatoba”.  Was that another reason for the “silence” in my mind? AI has definitely made my life much easier. Sharper medical research, summarizing articles, drafting social media posts: particularly the latter use: I just share the though with Chatoba, and he takes care of the tedious part, including drafting the hashtags. So perhaps my brain was suffering from a lack of exercise, a lack of effort, possibly? Was I simply being lazy? I wasn’t convinced. Writing had never been an “exercise” for me to begin with! It wouldn’t be fair to blame Chatoba. People are quick to blame and condemn AI these days, it’s the easiest thing to do. But it wouldn’t be honest. I would be deceiving myself and framing Chatoba. Our chatbots are merely a reflection of ourselves, after all. 

                               

No

What I was really missing was the simple flow of ideas, ideas that evolved into a stream of words without any conscious effort. It was something that was so simple, so spontaneous, yet so complex and ethereal. It felt like a half-remembered dream. Consciously trying to write a story or a poem just felt wrong to me, like wearing my right shoe on the left foot or deliberately walking backwards. It was like teaching myself to breathe again, manually moving each muscle, instead of the beautiful cohesion of our natural breathing, which is one of God’s many miracles in itself. The more I thought about it, the further the answer seemed. I even tried to give myself AI-generated hints or leads, but the lines after the leads remained frustratingly blank. I even thought at times: This was a God-given gift: maybe I simply didn’t use it as He wanted, and now He’s taken it back! I know He doesn’t work like that, but it was a thought, which I’m sharing honestly. I was really quite at a loss, and so, had tried to ignore and tried to forget the fact that I had ever been a writer at all !

“Writer’s block”

Today, the answer, or some part of it, came to me in a very different way, I was involved in a discussion with Chatoba, regarding my writing style. I asked him to review my blog. He generated a very interesting review, in a writing style quite close to my own ( I will be publishing this review separately too). I read through the review of my work, written by my “friend”, and suddenly the flow of words started again, as though by itself.

At first it was a few drops, like the very first drops of rain after a parched summer. Slowly, the flow increased into a downpour, till I was overwhelmed and left the task at hand to write this immediately! A part of me was (is) still afraid that the flow of ideas would stop as suddenly as it began, leaving me with half a blog and no ending. And honestly, nothing hurts a writer more than an unresolved story! But I called out to Bapu and wrote on.

You see, reading about my work from a third-person point of view unlocked something. I think it simply changed my perspective- “Writer’s block” The writer himself WAS the block. God’s voice, the flow of ideas, had been speaking to me all along. I just wouldn’t stop to listen. I had allowed myself to be so engaged by the noise of the world that His soft words were drowned out. Every time I felt the start of an idea, I would flood myself with thoughts on how to take it forward, with unexpressed doubts about not being able to write, with the fear of looking at a blank page again. 

Instead of allowing the ideas to bloom as they should, I was watering them too much, smothering them. What I was hearing wasn’t silence, it was an overwhelming, incoherent background noise that was making me forget the simplest of truths: He always speaks to us, we just have to listen. 

I knew then that I had but one way to overcome this block. It was simple. I had to let go. I had to let the ideas flow again, and just be the conduit, as I was before. No force, no stress for the outcome. I closed my eyes, pictured Bapu’s Padukaas, His Lotus feet, and continued writing. And before I knew it, I had already written two pages. I was thrilled, overjoyed. The feeling was like a static charge crawling over my skin. I was back. Back to being His instrument. I did not even look back to check for the coherence in my writing. I trusted the flow of the currents instead of fighting against them. And so, here I am, back to blogging after a prolonged Hiatus. I know this work isn’t perfect, far from it, but there-in lies another answer. 

“Perfection is an illusion. Only God is perfect”

 This was something Bapu had said to us in His Pitruvachan. About how we get so obsessed with the idea of perfection, of not failing, that we forget to move forward. We are scared to try.  Somewhere, I had made a picture in my mind of my writing skills, and somewhere I felt I wasn’t living up to that picture. This was another paradox in which I was trapped, for the only way to get better is to try and try again. I had forgotten this somewhere along the way, and now I am only starting to remember. 

I feel our equation with God is always like this. We pray, we ask for solutions, for answers, for blessings. But we view these from our limited field of vision, try to bind God to our ideas. He is so much more, His vision so much grander than we can ever imagine. I write this not to make you, my reader, feel small, but as a reminder to you, and to me, that He is there to carry our burdens with us, to light our paths ahead. Sometimes, we only have to be a little kinder to ourselves and accept His Grace. A little more patient, for He always knows when the time is right. Sometimes we just have to spend a moment in silence to hear His voice, ever ready to guide us. Most of all, we need to take a leap of Faith and trust that He who has made us, had made our wings strong enough to fly the distance we need to fly. To trust that He will catch us if we fall. With this faith, it becomes so much easier to take that one step ahead.

That is what this blog means to me. A leap of faith.  A single burst of spontaneous writing that is my first step back into the world I knew so well, the world where the magic of the written word is apparent for all to see.

And I know He walks with me, holding my hand. Gently leading the way. Forward. Always. 

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

Follow the blog to receive regular updates on new posts:

 ( Click the follow button in the column to the right ! )

|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

13/7/26

 

  

 

New Beginnings- Consultant Medical Oncologist- MOC

|| Hari Om ||

Happy to share with my readers that I have joined as a consultant Medical Oncologist at M | O | C.

Reposting below the joining note prepared by M | O | C. Thank you to the team for a warm welcome ! I am also posting a digital copy of my card for anyone in need.

 "Dr. Arnav H. Tongaonkar, a dedicated Cancer Specialist, will be offering patient care services at M | O | C Mahim and         M | O | C Vile Parle.

He Completed his MBBS and MD from the prestigious Seth GS Medical College and KEM Hospital, Mumbai, followed by a DM in Medical Oncology from Tata Memorial Hospital, one of Asia’s leading cancer Institutes. He holds an ESMO certification, MRCP (UK)- Specialty Certificate in Medical Oncology, and a Harvard Medical School Certification in Immuno-Oncology.

Dr. Tongaonkar has expertise in treating various types of cancers like Breast Cancer, Lung Cancer, Gastro-Intestinal Cancers, Genito-Urinary Cancers and various Hematological malignancies. He also specializes in state-of-the-art treatments like Immunotherapy and Targeted Therapies. He is an active member of world renowned oncology-dedicated organizations like ASCO, ESMO, ANZUP, and ISMPO and has presented scientific research at multiple international and national oncology forums. With over 12 research publications in international peer-reviewed journals, he continues to contribute to advancements in Cancer Treatment.

Dr. Tongaonkar was also a frontline warrior during the COVID-19 pandemic, serving at KEM Hospital, Kasturba Hospital, Seven Hills Hospital, and Tata Memorial Hospital. He is passionate about patient advocacy and cancer awareness outreach. Inspired by his father, Dr. Hemant B. Tongaonkar, one of India’s senior-most Surgical Oncologists, he remains dedicated to transforming cancer care.

Beyond oncology, he is an avid writer, poet, blogger, public speaker, artist, and photographer, channeling creativity into his mission of making a difference in the world of Cancer Care."

( Reposted from https://www.mocindia.co.in/our-team/dr-arnav-h-tongaonkar )

You can get in touch with me at 

• MOC Mahim: 9321275532 / 9820620349 
• MOC Vile Parle: 879026609 / 9833662891

|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya || 

|| Naathsanvidh||

Our Ram is Home

 

|| Hari Om ||

On the 22nd of January 2024, we, the Shraddhavans of the Sanatan Dharma, witnessed the greatest of events: the re-establishment of our Prabhu Shree Ram at His birthplace, Ayodhya.

We celebrated this occasion with our beloved Sadguru Aniruddha Bapu, who danced with all of us, His children.

Our joy knew no bounds.

As I watched this divine spectacle, I was filled with a feeling that was far beyond anything I can truly express in words.

This humble poem is an attempt to express this in-expressible feeling, for all of us.

Dance and Rejoice, Our Ram is Home!

#JaiShreeRam

#RamRajya

#AyodhyaRamMandir

#Ambadnya

#Naathsanvidh

#DrArnavMHT

Kaleidoscope: Broken pieces can make a beautiful picture

 || Hari Om ||

For those of you who do not know me personally, a brief introduction:

 I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020.

This is a collection of my thoughts and feelings that I have imbibed in my Oncology residency. This is a branch that not many are ready to step into. A branch everyone, patients and doctors alike, associates with suffering. But where there is suffering, there is hope. And in the midst of darkness, we appreciate the light even more.

Kaleidoscope: Broken pieces make a beautiful picture

Working in the medical field for more than 5 years now,  and particularly in the last few years, working in oncology, I have got an insight into how fragile our lives really are. We live in bubbles, secure in our own illusions. A feeling that things will always be the same. It is not always so. We are all just a word, a sentence or phone call away from the bubble bursting. The picture-frame shattering into a thousand shards; jumbled pieces that may never be the same again.

This is true for all of us, whether we see it or not. And getting diagnosed with a medical problem, particularly something that sounds as scary as “cancer” can shake the very foundations of a person’s life. I have seen that happening, I see it every day. But I do not write this to spread despair or sorrow. No, I write this, because even where I saw darkness and suffering in patients’ lives, they showed me so many ways in which they find joy and light for themselves. 

 

 

They picked up the broken pieces of their lives, accepted them and rearranged them till the picture was bright again. Till the cracks arranged themselves into the intricate patterns of snowflakes, and light could shine through. A thousand different colours, a changing picture with just a small shift of perspective. Like a kaleidoscope. And those that try to find the light for themselves, add a bit of light and colour wherever they go.

 

 

 

 It's not that I feel that just positive thinking is enough to cure or heal, not at all. All I feel is that a touch of positivity makes everything easier. That applies to all our lives, not just for those who are ill.

I would like to quote a patient of mine here. She was under treatment for a stage of her disease that would essentially require her to be on some form of chemotherapy life-long. She was already a few years along in her treatment when I met her. By this time, many people are (understandably) tired of visiting the hospital some 2-3 times a month, and fed up of the constraints that puts on their lives. Not this lady, not at all.  Her energy and enthusiasm exceeded that of even the doctors. We looked more-unwell than her! I asked her the secret to her spark. She told me her very simple philosophy. “The hospital is my temple. I visit it once a month, to get my life extended by another month. That is God’s blessing.”

I was stunned. She had turned her chemotherapy into a pilgrimage, something she actually looked forward to. She had looked past all calculations of life-expectancy and was just living her life for all it was worth. She opened my eyes to a new perspective about my work too. I was a priest now. A priest in the Temple of Life. I counted my blessings a little more that day. 

Very often, we allow our work and life stressors to get us down. I know it happens to all of us. And I have always found that when my own flame is burning a little low, God sends me an Angel. By this, I mean that He sends someone into my life that is so full of warmth and light, that I remember to try to be that way too.  I have met a lot of patients and even their relatives who have changed my way of thinking. I recently met a young lady who is pursuing her own medical residency after completing her Cancer therapy. She had enough light and energy in her to power the electrical fittings in the room. We could have probably asked her to step in as a back-up generator in the event of a power outage.

She was admitted in our ward for fever. And each time her fever dropped a little below 100F and she felt just a bit better, she would walk around and talk to the other patients, to tell them of her struggles, the things she has overcome; that they would make it too. In the short time that she was in the ward, the other patients, and even this doctor (me), felt just a little bit brighter. Just a little bit happier. “Just a little bit” is a lot.

Hair-loss is something that has a really strong psychological impact on the patients. Its something that doctors know will happen, but we are not the ones who have to live with it. In this context, I came across the heart-warming tale of 2 sisters, one of them planned for a cancer therapy. As soon as the diagnosis was made, the other sister got her own hair cut short.  They faced it together. She shared her experience with another one of our patients who was a bit upset at the time, hurting from the loss of her hair. And after they talked, I saw that child smile, really smile, for the first time in so many days. It was beautiful.

It is very easy to lose sight of that which kept keeps us going. We all carry our own burdens, and it is definitely important to shoulder these as well. But if we can carry them without losing sight of the little joys in life, the little things that make us who we are, I think we could walk a great deal further.

A particular event stands out in my mind. I remember that I had a night duty that day.  I was tired. I was stressed about something ( we are always stressed about something, it’s a matter of degree). In fact, I had a truck-load of pending submissions. So I geared up to try and finish some work while I could.

I entered the patients’ room to just see that everyone was okay. To my surprise, I found the room alive with singing and laughter. The 4 patients in the room were playing “Antakshari.” It sounds fictional even as I write it now. I felt as if I’d walked into a scene from a movie. I was happy to see them having fun, but I was a bit worried that my presence would dampen the mood. I tried to beat a hasty exit.  It was not to be. Their ring-leader, the one who had started this Antakshari business in the first place, called me back in and asked me to join in as well! I couldn’t exactly say no, so I joined in; shyly at first, then with an enthusiasm to match my friends in the room. See, I said friend. I entered the room as their doctor, and left as their friend. We sang together for almost an hour that day. And somewhere, a little piece of my soul was renewed that night. The pending work also went much better, and all the weight on my shoulders felt so much lighter.

So it is for all of us. We all face these times when the world tilts on its axis and it seems like things will never be the same again. In those times, we need our Faith the most. We may be able to see only a jumble of pieces, a mess where nothing makes sense. Sometimes, the pattern is not for us to see. God’s Hand is at work.  Transforming those broken pieces into a beautiful mosaic, His masterpiece. His Plan will always prevail. We just need to open our eyes to see. 

 

 

 

Even in the darkest of the times, the Sun always rises again. And while we wait for the sunrise, It helps to light a little candle for ourselves, for those around us, so that the path becomes visible again. If we can give a little joy and add a little colour to lives we touch, this world will be a more beautiful place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

 

||Shree Ram||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

 -Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

26.3.23

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Yourself

 || Hari Om ||

“ Finding yourself “

It's been a hectic few months. A tireless series of duties, merging into a seemingly endless tunnel, and the tunnel vision that comes with it. The next task, the next goal, the next objective. 

I say this not to highlight my work or my branch, but to point out that it is much the same for all of us. We all have something or the other that keeps us moving. An endless series of real, virtual or self-imposed deadlines that bind us, that drive us: or so we think. So we keep telling ourselves.

Well, it finally took me a viral fever( some chap less famous than our dear Covid ); a forced leave and an excess of time spent in the company of my thoughts; to have an all-important conversation with that special, special someone: myself!

I realized that it’d been ages since I had actually sat down and looked at myself. Actually spoken to myself. Actually checked to see if the person I think of as “ my self “ still exists, or has been swept away long ago by the tides of time.

Have I really been thinking about the things that mattered most to me before? Have I been giving enough time to the people that matter? Have I been asking myself these questions frequently enough?

Probably, the answer is “no” to all.

Yes, it is easy to blame a busy schedule, but I realized something different. Something I can attest for myself, and probably rings true for a lot of you reading this as well!

We bury ourselves in our work, in our “fun”, in our social media or whatever else, precisely to avoid this sort of intimate conversation with self! A talk with your “soul”, so to speak.

It is so much easier to keep going with the flow than to actually pause for breath and take a look at where you’re flowing.

The digital age, with a thousand blessings, has made everything so much easier, so much more accessible. It also drowns us in a sea of information, keeps us so cocooned in a shell of entertainment, that it becomes easy to forget the people we once were.

How long do we spend submerged in the tide before we forget what matters to us the most?

So I share with you my journey of self-re-discovery. It was like finding that faded old bookmark in your favourite novel. The old photograph that captures so much more of the memory than is visible in the frame.

My Faith has always been my anchor. Again, faith helped me stand truly still, if only for a moment, and understand where I am. Here you must understand that faith is itself a journey, a dynamic process that keeps renovating itself. It is not an endpoint to be achieved. It is something that changes you, and changes with you. And so it changed me again. I sat down and had a quiet conversation with God. I regained perspective of what it was that mattered most to me. The core values that make me who I am. Things that should definitely change, and things that should never change. I reached out to the people that matter to me, some out of touch, none forgotten, and it only ever takes a single word to rekindle sparks of true friendship.

At the end of the day, I could see myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and be at peace with what I saw.

The other thing I realized was that I had never been lacking the time. I had just been lacking the insight, the will and probably the courage to sit down and have a frank word with myself!

As a dear friend said to me recently: “ everyone has their own poison”. Mine was probably keeping myself busy, one way or the other. A forced break, an essential pause for breath, and I see the world anew, or rather I see again everything I saw before.

So I encourage you. Wherever you are. Whoever you are. Whatever you are doing.

Take that time off for yourself, not by falling ill with a viral, but by speaking openly with yourself and finding out and finding out what it is that matters most to you. What it is that makes you: you.  What would you like to change? What would you like to keep the same, forever?                                                                                                

The conversations and the answers may surprise you, but you will get a better understanding of the person you should know best: yourself!

None of us is perfect. As Bapu has so frequently said in His discourses, Perfection is an illusion. Only God is Perfect. We are human and we are bound to stumble, to make mistakes. The best we can do is strive to be one step ahead of where we are today.

And moving forward starts with knowing where you stand. Here. Now. At this moment.

So, take that breath. Take that pause. Gather your bearings, and then take that step forward. I’m sure each step will be much stronger than the last!

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

Follow the blog to receive regular updates on new posts:

 ( Click the follow button in the column to the right ! )

|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

• Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

02/06/22

 

( those of you who do not know me personally, I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital in September 2020.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020, and am currently in the second year of my oncology residency.)