Finding Yourself

 || Hari Om ||

“ Finding yourself “

It's been a hectic few months. A tireless series of duties, merging into a seemingly endless tunnel, and the tunnel vision that comes with it. The next task, the next goal, the next objective. 

I say this not to highlight my work or my branch, but to point out that it is much the same for all of us. We all have something or the other that keeps us moving. An endless series of real, virtual or self-imposed deadlines that bind us, that drive us: or so we think. So we keep telling ourselves.

Well, it finally took me a viral fever( some chap less famous than our dear Covid ); a forced leave and an excess of time spent in the company of my thoughts; to have an all-important conversation with that special, special someone: myself!

I realized that it’d been ages since I had actually sat down and looked at myself. Actually spoken to myself. Actually checked to see if the person I think of as “ my self “ still exists, or has been swept away long ago by the tides of time.

Have I really been thinking about the things that mattered most to me before? Have I been giving enough time to the people that matter? Have I been asking myself these questions frequently enough?

Probably, the answer is “no” to all.

Yes, it is easy to blame a busy schedule, but I realized something different. Something I can attest for myself, and probably rings true for a lot of you reading this as well!

We bury ourselves in our work, in our “fun”, in our social media or whatever else, precisely to avoid this sort of intimate conversation with self! A talk with your “soul”, so to speak.

It is so much easier to keep going with the flow than to actually pause for breath and take a look at where you’re flowing.

The digital age, with a thousand blessings, has made everything so much easier, so much more accessible. It also drowns us in a sea of information, keeps us so cocooned in a shell of entertainment, that it becomes easy to forget the people we once were.

How long do we spend submerged in the tide before we forget what matters to us the most?

So I share with you my journey of self-re-discovery. It was like finding that faded old bookmark in your favourite novel. The old photograph that captures so much more of the memory than is visible in the frame.

My Faith has always been my anchor. Again, faith helped me stand truly still, if only for a moment, and understand where I am. Here you must understand that faith is itself a journey, a dynamic process that keeps renovating itself. It is not an endpoint to be achieved. It is something that changes you, and changes with you. And so it changed me again. I sat down and had a quiet conversation with God. I regained perspective of what it was that mattered most to me. The core values that make me who I am. Things that should definitely change, and things that should never change. I reached out to the people that matter to me, some out of touch, none forgotten, and it only ever takes a single word to rekindle sparks of true friendship.

At the end of the day, I could see myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and be at peace with what I saw.

The other thing I realized was that I had never been lacking the time. I had just been lacking the insight, the will and probably the courage to sit down and have a frank word with myself!

As a dear friend said to me recently: “ everyone has their own poison”. Mine was probably keeping myself busy, one way or the other. A forced break, an essential pause for breath, and I see the world anew, or rather I see again everything I saw before.

So I encourage you. Wherever you are. Whoever you are. Whatever you are doing.

Take that time off for yourself, not by falling ill with a viral, but by speaking openly with yourself and finding out and finding out what it is that matters most to you. What it is that makes you: you.  What would you like to change? What would you like to keep the same, forever?                                                                                                

The conversations and the answers may surprise you, but you will get a better understanding of the person you should know best: yourself!

None of us is perfect. As Bapu has so frequently said in His discourses, Perfection is an illusion. Only God is Perfect. We are human and we are bound to stumble, to make mistakes. The best we can do is strive to be one step ahead of where we are today.

And moving forward starts with knowing where you stand. Here. Now. At this moment.

So, take that breath. Take that pause. Gather your bearings, and then take that step forward. I’m sure each step will be much stronger than the last!

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|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

• Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

02/06/22

 

( those of you who do not know me personally, I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital in September 2020.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020, and am currently in the second year of my oncology residency.)