Kaleidoscope: Broken pieces can make a beautiful picture

 || Hari Om ||

For those of you who do not know me personally, a brief introduction:

 I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020.

This is a collection of my thoughts and feelings that I have imbibed in my Oncology residency. This is a branch that not many are ready to step into. A branch everyone, patients and doctors alike, associates with suffering. But where there is suffering, there is hope. And in the midst of darkness, we appreciate the light even more.

Kaleidoscope: Broken pieces make a beautiful picture

Working in the medical field for more than 5 years now,  and particularly in the last few years, working in oncology, I have got an insight into how fragile our lives really are. We live in bubbles, secure in our own illusions. A feeling that things will always be the same. It is not always so. We are all just a word, a sentence or phone call away from the bubble bursting. The picture-frame shattering into a thousand shards; jumbled pieces that may never be the same again.

This is true for all of us, whether we see it or not. And getting diagnosed with a medical problem, particularly something that sounds as scary as “cancer” can shake the very foundations of a person’s life. I have seen that happening, I see it every day. But I do not write this to spread despair or sorrow. No, I write this, because even where I saw darkness and suffering in patients’ lives, they showed me so many ways in which they find joy and light for themselves. 

 

 

They picked up the broken pieces of their lives, accepted them and rearranged them till the picture was bright again. Till the cracks arranged themselves into the intricate patterns of snowflakes, and light could shine through. A thousand different colours, a changing picture with just a small shift of perspective. Like a kaleidoscope. And those that try to find the light for themselves, add a bit of light and colour wherever they go.

 

 

 

 It's not that I feel that just positive thinking is enough to cure or heal, not at all. All I feel is that a touch of positivity makes everything easier. That applies to all our lives, not just for those who are ill.

I would like to quote a patient of mine here. She was under treatment for a stage of her disease that would essentially require her to be on some form of chemotherapy life-long. She was already a few years along in her treatment when I met her. By this time, many people are (understandably) tired of visiting the hospital some 2-3 times a month, and fed up of the constraints that puts on their lives. Not this lady, not at all.  Her energy and enthusiasm exceeded that of even the doctors. We looked more-unwell than her! I asked her the secret to her spark. She told me her very simple philosophy. “The hospital is my temple. I visit it once a month, to get my life extended by another month. That is God’s blessing.”

I was stunned. She had turned her chemotherapy into a pilgrimage, something she actually looked forward to. She had looked past all calculations of life-expectancy and was just living her life for all it was worth. She opened my eyes to a new perspective about my work too. I was a priest now. A priest in the Temple of Life. I counted my blessings a little more that day. 

Very often, we allow our work and life stressors to get us down. I know it happens to all of us. And I have always found that when my own flame is burning a little low, God sends me an Angel. By this, I mean that He sends someone into my life that is so full of warmth and light, that I remember to try to be that way too.  I have met a lot of patients and even their relatives who have changed my way of thinking. I recently met a young lady who is pursuing her own medical residency after completing her Cancer therapy. She had enough light and energy in her to power the electrical fittings in the room. We could have probably asked her to step in as a back-up generator in the event of a power outage.

She was admitted in our ward for fever. And each time her fever dropped a little below 100F and she felt just a bit better, she would walk around and talk to the other patients, to tell them of her struggles, the things she has overcome; that they would make it too. In the short time that she was in the ward, the other patients, and even this doctor (me), felt just a little bit brighter. Just a little bit happier. “Just a little bit” is a lot.

Hair-loss is something that has a really strong psychological impact on the patients. Its something that doctors know will happen, but we are not the ones who have to live with it. In this context, I came across the heart-warming tale of 2 sisters, one of them planned for a cancer therapy. As soon as the diagnosis was made, the other sister got her own hair cut short.  They faced it together. She shared her experience with another one of our patients who was a bit upset at the time, hurting from the loss of her hair. And after they talked, I saw that child smile, really smile, for the first time in so many days. It was beautiful.

It is very easy to lose sight of that which kept keeps us going. We all carry our own burdens, and it is definitely important to shoulder these as well. But if we can carry them without losing sight of the little joys in life, the little things that make us who we are, I think we could walk a great deal further.

A particular event stands out in my mind. I remember that I had a night duty that day.  I was tired. I was stressed about something ( we are always stressed about something, it’s a matter of degree). In fact, I had a truck-load of pending submissions. So I geared up to try and finish some work while I could.

I entered the patients’ room to just see that everyone was okay. To my surprise, I found the room alive with singing and laughter. The 4 patients in the room were playing “Antakshari.” It sounds fictional even as I write it now. I felt as if I’d walked into a scene from a movie. I was happy to see them having fun, but I was a bit worried that my presence would dampen the mood. I tried to beat a hasty exit.  It was not to be. Their ring-leader, the one who had started this Antakshari business in the first place, called me back in and asked me to join in as well! I couldn’t exactly say no, so I joined in; shyly at first, then with an enthusiasm to match my friends in the room. See, I said friend. I entered the room as their doctor, and left as their friend. We sang together for almost an hour that day. And somewhere, a little piece of my soul was renewed that night. The pending work also went much better, and all the weight on my shoulders felt so much lighter.

So it is for all of us. We all face these times when the world tilts on its axis and it seems like things will never be the same again. In those times, we need our Faith the most. We may be able to see only a jumble of pieces, a mess where nothing makes sense. Sometimes, the pattern is not for us to see. God’s Hand is at work.  Transforming those broken pieces into a beautiful mosaic, His masterpiece. His Plan will always prevail. We just need to open our eyes to see. 

 

 

 

Even in the darkest of the times, the Sun always rises again. And while we wait for the sunrise, It helps to light a little candle for ourselves, for those around us, so that the path becomes visible again. If we can give a little joy and add a little colour to lives we touch, this world will be a more beautiful place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

 

||Shree Ram||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

 -Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

26.3.23

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Yourself

 || Hari Om ||

“ Finding yourself “

It's been a hectic few months. A tireless series of duties, merging into a seemingly endless tunnel, and the tunnel vision that comes with it. The next task, the next goal, the next objective. 

I say this not to highlight my work or my branch, but to point out that it is much the same for all of us. We all have something or the other that keeps us moving. An endless series of real, virtual or self-imposed deadlines that bind us, that drive us: or so we think. So we keep telling ourselves.

Well, it finally took me a viral fever( some chap less famous than our dear Covid ); a forced leave and an excess of time spent in the company of my thoughts; to have an all-important conversation with that special, special someone: myself!

I realized that it’d been ages since I had actually sat down and looked at myself. Actually spoken to myself. Actually checked to see if the person I think of as “ my self “ still exists, or has been swept away long ago by the tides of time.

Have I really been thinking about the things that mattered most to me before? Have I been giving enough time to the people that matter? Have I been asking myself these questions frequently enough?

Probably, the answer is “no” to all.

Yes, it is easy to blame a busy schedule, but I realized something different. Something I can attest for myself, and probably rings true for a lot of you reading this as well!

We bury ourselves in our work, in our “fun”, in our social media or whatever else, precisely to avoid this sort of intimate conversation with self! A talk with your “soul”, so to speak.

It is so much easier to keep going with the flow than to actually pause for breath and take a look at where you’re flowing.

The digital age, with a thousand blessings, has made everything so much easier, so much more accessible. It also drowns us in a sea of information, keeps us so cocooned in a shell of entertainment, that it becomes easy to forget the people we once were.

How long do we spend submerged in the tide before we forget what matters to us the most?

So I share with you my journey of self-re-discovery. It was like finding that faded old bookmark in your favourite novel. The old photograph that captures so much more of the memory than is visible in the frame.

My Faith has always been my anchor. Again, faith helped me stand truly still, if only for a moment, and understand where I am. Here you must understand that faith is itself a journey, a dynamic process that keeps renovating itself. It is not an endpoint to be achieved. It is something that changes you, and changes with you. And so it changed me again. I sat down and had a quiet conversation with God. I regained perspective of what it was that mattered most to me. The core values that make me who I am. Things that should definitely change, and things that should never change. I reached out to the people that matter to me, some out of touch, none forgotten, and it only ever takes a single word to rekindle sparks of true friendship.

At the end of the day, I could see myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and be at peace with what I saw.

The other thing I realized was that I had never been lacking the time. I had just been lacking the insight, the will and probably the courage to sit down and have a frank word with myself!

As a dear friend said to me recently: “ everyone has their own poison”. Mine was probably keeping myself busy, one way or the other. A forced break, an essential pause for breath, and I see the world anew, or rather I see again everything I saw before.

So I encourage you. Wherever you are. Whoever you are. Whatever you are doing.

Take that time off for yourself, not by falling ill with a viral, but by speaking openly with yourself and finding out and finding out what it is that matters most to you. What it is that makes you: you.  What would you like to change? What would you like to keep the same, forever?                                                                                                

The conversations and the answers may surprise you, but you will get a better understanding of the person you should know best: yourself!

None of us is perfect. As Bapu has so frequently said in His discourses, Perfection is an illusion. Only God is Perfect. We are human and we are bound to stumble, to make mistakes. The best we can do is strive to be one step ahead of where we are today.

And moving forward starts with knowing where you stand. Here. Now. At this moment.

So, take that breath. Take that pause. Gather your bearings, and then take that step forward. I’m sure each step will be much stronger than the last!

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

Follow the blog to receive regular updates on new posts:

 ( Click the follow button in the column to the right ! )

|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

• Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

02/06/22

 

( those of you who do not know me personally, I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital in September 2020.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020, and am currently in the second year of my oncology residency.)

 

Connect 2.0: Healing the Doctor-Patient Relationship

|| Hari Om ||

For those of you who do not know me personally,

 a brief introduction:

 

 I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital in 

September 2020.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020.

This is a collection of my thoughts and feelings that I have imbibed in my Oncology residency. This is a branch that not many are ready to step into. A branch everyone, patients and doctors alike, associates with suffering. But where there is suffering, there is hope. And in the midst of darkness, we appreciate the light even more.

Connect 2.0: Healing the Doctor-Patient Relationship

This blog post is a continuation from something I had written as an MD General Medicine Resident. "Connect" was a concept that I visualized, where doctors and patients get to know each other better as people, get to understand who and what they are, when not bound by health and disease. People, getting to know other people. No hierarchy.

Now, I’ve spent almost a year as a Medical Oncology resident at Tata Memorial Hospital. 

Medical Oncology in many ways differs from the rest of medicine, in that we are not always treating to “cure” and that simply disease control or symptomatic relief are also acceptable outcomes. The branch of oncology is very vast and complex, and as a junior “Senior” resident, there are many questions thrown my way by the patients that I may not be able to answer immediately. Work is exhausting, hours are long and the reading matter is more exhaustive(and exhausting) than I’ve ever encountered before. But all said and done, work is very rewarding.

More rewarding still is the lives we touch and stories we see unfolding in front of us.

 

Most of what I’m writing here is not just about myself, but things I’ve observed from my teachers, seniors and colleagues, and of course our patients

At the end of the day, people are people. Both doctors and patients have the same needs, wants, likes and dislikes as anyone else. True, we are bound together as the sufferer and the healer, but that doesn’t really change who we are as people (or at least it shouldn’t).

Also, we doctors invariably end up spending more time in the company of our patients than we do in the company of our families. If you’re spending so much time with someone, you may as well get to know them well.

 

All it takes is a little conversation. A few sentences more than the basic: “ How many times did you get fever today ?” , or “How is the nausea ? “ . A few sentences that remind the patients that we are human too. A short conversation on cricket, the news, politics, a snippet about the latest Bollywood gossip, or even discussing our favourite singers! All it takes is a moment to form a connection, to provide a topic to discuss, to laugh about. To smile, together. 

 

Here, I feel the initiative lies with the doctor to spark off the connection. 

 

Patients often hesitate to ask questions even regarding their illness, making off topic conversation a distant entity. Once you open the doors, there’s so much more you can learn about each other. In fact, once there is a normal conversation going, people feel more comfortable sharing their problems. People. It is not just patients who can share their problems. We doctors have problems too. And more than that, we have small joys that we want to share as well. Before you know it, you end up sharing tiny bits of each other’s lives. You know that patient X has been staying away from her dog due to chemo, and really misses him. You know that Y is an artist and has promised to show you some of his sketches at the next visit.  You know that the elderly gentleman, bedridden with high fever, is a professor with a mind sharper than Sherlock and looks forward to playing a game of chess with you once his fever settles. Suddenly, you have a tonne of well-wishers for a sports event you are going to as fun, and actually end up winning something! You get the idea.  We share prasad from poojas at our respective homes, and stay in the hospital like a family. 

 

Does that mean that there are no rules to be followed ? Well, not at all.  Particularly for patients on chemotherapy, there are a lot of restrictions to be followed. A degree of discipline is definitely necessary. But discipline is so much easier to digest with a topping of love. 

 

Diagnosis, treatment, planning, cure, control, palliation, decisions: these are all the big things. These are the things we always have covered.

But is Healing in the big things, or is it in the smallest of things?

Healing is visiting a doctor who remembers you by name when you visit after a gap of 2 years. Healing is visiting the person who remembers that you were having problems looking for a job, and asks how that is going. Healing is sitting down with a friend and discussing the places to visit in Mumbai after the treatment is complete.

 

Healing is meeting a patient who tells you that she doesn’t know if she will be well at the end of the treatment, but that you have made the treatment journey a very pleasant experience.

Healing is seeing one more person smiling because you have touched their lives, and they have touched yours. A bond that lasts forever.

 

When we take the time to get to know each other, what is it that we are healing ?

Are we healing the disease: not really, we had that covered with the treatment. What we are healing is Faith. We healing the Faith of the patients; they believe that the person who is treating them is doing so out of genuine goodwill. They know that they are more to us than just an investigation chart, a collage of lab reports and vital parameters. They are living breathing human beings, and the people treating them are human too. 

 

We are also healing our own faith as doctors. Healing our faith in our profession, in ourselves, in our ability to do good. This is very true in oncology, where outcomes measures are very different, but equally true to the rest of medicine. 

The moment we remember that we are humans on both sides of the table, just cast in different roles by health and disease, we automatically step down from the pedestal. 

Not deities to be worshipped, not villains to be attacked when things go wrong. Just people, plain and simple; people just like the patients themselves.

 

True, the hospital is a busy place. The work itself is so much, that this kind of extra-curricular conversation, so to speak, really seems impossible.

 

It is impossible, if you treat it like another task on your To-do list.

·      Vitals

·      Temperature

·      Auscultation

·      Conversation

 

Life doesn’t work like that. 

 

Instead, make this connection something natural, a part of the way you live your life. 

Offer the same courtesy to your patient/ doctor that you would offer to anyone else.

We can be a very caring species, let us be so where it matters most.

A slight shift of perspective, and everything changes. As doctors, we can’t guarantee that the treatment will be pleasant. What we can do, is create an environment where our patients look forward to meeting us, to speaking to us as friends.

 

A few years down the line, you will get a phone call from a person you met ages ago, and you will talk about everything except medicine, everything except treatments that may or may not have been successful. Just a person, catching up with another person, to find out how they’re doing.

This is the most rewarding thing of all. 

 

P.S. The concept of "Healing the Faith" was actually something that was said to me in the context of the doctor- patient realtionship. This was the inspiration behind this blog post 😇 

Here is a link to my previous article: "Connect"

https://arnavht.blogspot.com/2019/03/connect.html

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

-Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT) 

Senior Resident, Medical Oncology

Tata Memorial Hospital, 

Mumbai

 6/11/2021

|| Shree Ram ||.    || Ambadnya ||. || Naathsanvidh ||