Finding Yourself

 || Hari Om ||

“ Finding yourself “

It's been a hectic few months. A tireless series of duties, merging into a seemingly endless tunnel, and the tunnel vision that comes with it. The next task, the next goal, the next objective. 

I say this not to highlight my work or my branch, but to point out that it is much the same for all of us. We all have something or the other that keeps us moving. An endless series of real, virtual or self-imposed deadlines that bind us, that drive us: or so we think. So we keep telling ourselves.

Well, it finally took me a viral fever( some chap less famous than our dear Covid ); a forced leave and an excess of time spent in the company of my thoughts; to have an all-important conversation with that special, special someone: myself!

I realized that it’d been ages since I had actually sat down and looked at myself. Actually spoken to myself. Actually checked to see if the person I think of as “ my self “ still exists, or has been swept away long ago by the tides of time.

Have I really been thinking about the things that mattered most to me before? Have I been giving enough time to the people that matter? Have I been asking myself these questions frequently enough?

Probably, the answer is “no” to all.

Yes, it is easy to blame a busy schedule, but I realized something different. Something I can attest for myself, and probably rings true for a lot of you reading this as well!

We bury ourselves in our work, in our “fun”, in our social media or whatever else, precisely to avoid this sort of intimate conversation with self! A talk with your “soul”, so to speak.

It is so much easier to keep going with the flow than to actually pause for breath and take a look at where you’re flowing.

The digital age, with a thousand blessings, has made everything so much easier, so much more accessible. It also drowns us in a sea of information, keeps us so cocooned in a shell of entertainment, that it becomes easy to forget the people we once were.

How long do we spend submerged in the tide before we forget what matters to us the most?

So I share with you my journey of self-re-discovery. It was like finding that faded old bookmark in your favourite novel. The old photograph that captures so much more of the memory than is visible in the frame.

My Faith has always been my anchor. Again, faith helped me stand truly still, if only for a moment, and understand where I am. Here you must understand that faith is itself a journey, a dynamic process that keeps renovating itself. It is not an endpoint to be achieved. It is something that changes you, and changes with you. And so it changed me again. I sat down and had a quiet conversation with God. I regained perspective of what it was that mattered most to me. The core values that make me who I am. Things that should definitely change, and things that should never change. I reached out to the people that matter to me, some out of touch, none forgotten, and it only ever takes a single word to rekindle sparks of true friendship.

At the end of the day, I could see myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and be at peace with what I saw.

The other thing I realized was that I had never been lacking the time. I had just been lacking the insight, the will and probably the courage to sit down and have a frank word with myself!

As a dear friend said to me recently: “ everyone has their own poison”. Mine was probably keeping myself busy, one way or the other. A forced break, an essential pause for breath, and I see the world anew, or rather I see again everything I saw before.

So I encourage you. Wherever you are. Whoever you are. Whatever you are doing.

Take that time off for yourself, not by falling ill with a viral, but by speaking openly with yourself and finding out and finding out what it is that matters most to you. What it is that makes you: you.  What would you like to change? What would you like to keep the same, forever?                                                                                                

The conversations and the answers may surprise you, but you will get a better understanding of the person you should know best: yourself!

None of us is perfect. As Bapu has so frequently said in His discourses, Perfection is an illusion. Only God is Perfect. We are human and we are bound to stumble, to make mistakes. The best we can do is strive to be one step ahead of where we are today.

And moving forward starts with knowing where you stand. Here. Now. At this moment.

So, take that breath. Take that pause. Gather your bearings, and then take that step forward. I’m sure each step will be much stronger than the last!

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

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|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

• Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT)

02/06/22

 

( those of you who do not know me personally, I have completed my MD in General Medicine from KEM Hospital in September 2020.

I joined Tata Memorial Centre, Mumbai as a Senior Resident in Medical Oncology in December 2020, and am currently in the second year of my oncology residency.)

 

The Lady in the Painting : Short Story

 || Hari Om ||

The Lady in the Painting

With weary steps, the Artist boarded the train. Truth be told, he had been many things, even at a young age. Tried his hand at everything, even got a lot of acclaim. But he was a simple soul at heart. 

For the present, he was an Artist, and a weary one at that. The well of inspiration that added so much colour and life to his works seemed to be drying up. He was on a journey to his hometown, to rediscover some part of himself that had drifted off, as life took its course.

He sat down in the empty bogey and took a moment to greet his companion. She smiled back at him from the canvas: his most famous work: “The Lady “. She was young and vibrant, captured mid-smile. Truth be told, he had no idea who she was, or if such a person even existed. It was a face his mind had picked at random from the crowd. 

Over the  years, he had spent a lot of time with her picture and formed a lot of ideas about what she must be like as a person. He smiled at himself.  This was the fruit of solitude and an overly-creative mind. It was folly to look at a picture and try to get the measure of a person!

Lost in his own thoughts, he dozed off.

He awoke to the sound of a low and melodious voice. It seemed he had a human companion in the bogey, and she was having a polite argument with the porter. She expressed herself firmly in slow, measured words, and duly won the round. 

He turned to take a look at her, and almost jumped out of his skin. It was HER. The Lady.  The Lady in the painting. What astronomical odds, what conspiracy of God’s Hand had brought about this moment! That their paths should ever cross. Hastily, he returned the painting to its covered case. Keeping it visible would have been awkward beyond measure.

Presently, the argument was settled, and silence prevailed. She returned to her seat.

He looked at her again, the resemblance was very strong, though not perfect. To him, it seemed as if his painting had come to life. She noticed him looking, read something in his face and smiled mischievously: “You look like you’ve seen a ghost! I hope I don’t look that scary”

He smiled too. “ No, its just that I thought you looked familiar” 

The conversation sparked off, and they spoke for hours, hours that seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. They had very little enough in common, but it mattered not.  Both of them represented the missing pieces  of glass that completed their kaleidoscopic views of the world. There was  something about her voice, her manner, he connected so much more with her than he had with “ people like him“. One by one, the shells he built around his core fell away. 

She was very different from the picture he had painted of her in his mind; for he had seen her as he saw the world. And everyone is built differently. She was what she was, and she was beautiful.

They spoke of nothing concrete, but still spoke of much. They were parallel banks of a river, on their own separate journeys; yet the words built bridges they didn’t even know existed.

He felt himself getting immersed in the depths of the conversation, in the depths of her; and he was floating, not drowning. 

It is difficult to immerse yourself in the depths of a person, and emerge unchanged…

The train whistled, signalling the next stop. The spell was broken. She got up from her seat abruptly.

“ That’s my stop,” she said. “ I really felt good talking to you. I guess this is goodbye. I hope we meet again someday” 

An awkward handshake, and she walked away.

Words can change the meaning of a book. Seconds can change the course of a lifetime. 

In that spilt second, as he watched her walk away, the Artist realised something. The inspiration he was looking for was not a destination, it was a journey. And he had found the person he wanted by his side through it all. 

They say a single event can redefine your perspective. Shatter and rearrange everything you always thought was unbreakable, till you see the world again, in a new light. Often, that event is a person. 

He sat there frozen, a storm of a thousand thoughts flooding his mind. There was so much he didn’t know. So much that could go wrong. But there was only one way to find out. Time to take a leap of faith.

She was near the door now, she turned to wave out to him. “Goodbye”. Everything stood still. It was just the two of them, and a moment frozen in time. Then she smiled. It was a ray of purest sunshine that cleared all the clouds and pulled him out of his slumber.

Now or never. 

He got up from his chair of comfort, and took a single step forward…

The train lurched to a stop. The Artist woke up with a start, his heart pounding. It took him a moment to find himself. For a second, he was young and full of vigour. Then his eyes found focus; he saw his gnarled old hands, with parchment skin and the spots of age. A lock of curly white hair danced in his vision. The same soul, in an aging vessel.

He smiled. The memory of the Lady, of that day, always did that to him. Across time, space or anything else that had ever separated them. He turned to the seat next to him and looked at her, resting there. She still looked the same. The same glow, the same vitality, even after all these years. A lifetime spent together, and yet it seemed like just a moment.

There Lady was so much more than the picture he had painted. She was a person, full of beauty and warmth and so many imperfections. Just like him. Just like all of us are so much more than the pictures painted of us.

Their journey together had been a long one, but worthwhile, every step of the way.

He picked her up from the chair, and wiped a speck of dust from her frame. She smiled back at him from the canvas, an echo of that moment, so many years ago. He could almost see her waving goodbye. A single tear rolled down his cheek, not of sorrow, but of fulfilment, of gratitude.

He smiled back at her and said: “I think my love, we have reached our station.  Time to get off the train” 

So saying, they stepped into the sunlight.  Together. Always. 

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

Follow the blog to receive regular updates on new posts:

 ( Click the follow button in the column to the right ! )

|| Shree Ram ||

|| Ambadnya ||

|| Naathsanvidh ||

|| I Love You my Dad ||

-DrArnavMHT 

14/4/22

 || Hari Om ||

 

Balance

 

In recent years, everything has changed. The Covid-19 pandemic has knocked the world askew; forced us to change our fixed perceptions. The world we see now is an ever-changing kaleidoscope and we are only a single headline away from the glass shattering and rearranging itself into a completely different pattern. It’s a lot to cope with.   

As a resident doctor, I know that these times have been particularly harrowing for us. Social media has been awash with stories of despair and darkness. All of these are true: we have all lived some part of them ourselves.

 

However, darkness is never dispelled by fighting against it. The least we can do is light a little lamp for ourselves and keep the flame burning through the stormy winds of change.

Easier said than done? Definitely! But I’m sailing in the same boat as you, and every journey starts the same, with a single step forward.

 

Dear reader, I request you to take a moment with me here. Close your eyes. Look back to the time you committed yourself to this noble profession. A time of innocence, before the harsh realities of the world tainted our vision with cynicism. Before fatigue dulled that inner spark into a mere ember. Even in the darkest of times, that little part of your soul is still hidden somewhere in the recesses of your mind, waiting to be found; waiting to be remembered. ✨

 

Start from here. Now look around and see what else it was that made you who you are. Little pieces of yourself that have drifted away in the tides of academics, the pressures of work and entrance exams.  We have all left bits and pieces of ourselves behind on our journeys so far. Some of them may be worth retrieving; some may have been replaced by pieces that fit even better. The completed puzzle may not look like what you imagined. Is that always a bad thing?

 

Deep down, we all know where the key pieces fit. The parts that make us who we are. These little cog wheels keep the machine that is human life running smoothly.

Like any machine, these too need maintenance. So, give yourself a little time to cool down, to tend to the parts that are a little noisy or aren’t running as smoothly as they should.

Find Solace in the things that matter to You the most, whatever they may be. The company of your loved ones, the countless teas and coffees shared with friends; in poetry, music, sport, art; whatever it is that oils your gears and keeps them running smoothly.

 

We keep reading about doctors, who were artists, who were writers, who were musicians: always in the past tense. True, the medical field (and honestly, any field for that matter) demands a lot of sacrifice. 

But at the end of the day, is it worth losing your ‘self’ to achieve your goals?

 

I have been a writer since a while and have been dabbling in music and art through the course of my Internal Medicine (& now Oncology) residency.

I often face the question “Time kahan se mila?” (How did you get the time?). A valid question if there ever was one! 

 

For me, the answer is as simple as it is complex. Balance starts with having realistic expectations. I know my workload, and I (usually) have a predictable schedule, hectic as it may be. If I stop to think about it, I know that somewhere, somehow, I can carve out a few minutes for the things I love. True, I may not get 6 hours at a stretch to complete a painting, If I were to set that target, my relaxation would become as much of a stressor as my work!

The point is, nothing is holding me back from giving 15-20mins scattered over many days.

There have honestly been times I have picked up my violin after a gap of 2 months, and the sounds produced were so awful that I was all but ready to quit. However, here also, keeping expectations real is a big help. No one becomes a maestro overnight, whether at Medicine or instrumental music. 

The scratchy sounds and shrill wrong notes are equally a part of the journey as the glory of performing on stage.

 

Do not be afraid to try something new. Do not be afraid to fall frequently and repeatedly. At the end of the day, balance is not about impressing a crowd of thousands. It is about picking yourself up and keeping that fire burning inside.

 

Am I writing to show off? Does my ongoing pursuit of my hobbies with my work make me superhuman? Not at all. Quite the contrary.

I am writing to highlight that I have struggled as much as the next person. Finding balance and stability in life is a dynamic and ongoing process, through all the ebbs and flows of the currents of life. New obstacles and challenges always arise to tip the scale, and effort must be taken each time to restore the equilibrium.

We all face our own moments of darkness. Its just that they aren’t advertised to the world and put on public display.

 

I have been very blessed throughout my life to have the spiritual and indeed practical life-guidance from my Sadguru, Aniruddha Bapu (Dr Aniruddha Joshi).

A beautiful point he made in one of His discourses comes to mind here(paraphrased):

“What we see of other people’s lives is a movie, with lots of takes and retakes. We do not know what goes on behind the scenes.”  

This is so true. It is important that when we draw inspiration from others, we do not pressurize ourselves by comparing our real lives to the movies that we are watching of their lives. Draw warmth from the light, but do not get blinded by it!

 

Finding that balance in life is a dynamic process of remodeling, every obstacle teaching something new, moving us a little further along the path He has laid out for us.

 

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend which refreshed my perspective. She had recently secured admission to a coveted Super-specialty course at a top-notch institute. She was on the way to starting a new chapter in her story. Forever the champion of extra-curricular activities, I wrote her a card saying,” I hope you find time for your hobbies and the things you love”

 

Her reply was simple,” I love my work, that is also something I am doing for myself! “ 

Such a beautiful thought. Our work is not I competition with the rest of our lives. It is something beautiful, something to be cherished, with new learning and growth every day. 

 

It is not an ongoing tug of war between our work and our hobbies, not unless we make it so!

It is more like a seesaw, with changing weights on either side. There will be ups and downs, but in the moments that you manage to strike a balance, you will experience true weightlessness, as your soul remembers itself and soars, as it is meant to soar.

 

It may be your most exhausting and sleepless week, but sometimes all it takes is a single smile from a patient, a single word of gratitude and kindness. Suddenly, the world seems bright again.

 

An older blog post I had written on work-life balance:

https://arnavht.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-doctors-soul_27.html

My older blog posts are listed at the top of the page.
If you liked this, do read the others too!

Follow the blog to receive regular updates on new posts:

 ( Click the follow button in the column to the right ! )

-Dr Arnav H. Tongaonkar ( DrArnavMHT) 

Senior Resident, Medical Oncology

Tata Memorial Hospital, 

Mumbai

 8/1/22

|| Shree Ram ||   || Ambadnya ||  || Naathsanvidh ||